on being an old hag

this is the diary of a girl who just turned 20.
she has no idea who she is or what she wants,
but she's doing the best she can.
It may terrify her to no be a teenager anymore
but she will write about life, her passions, what she hates,
and hopefully find out what she is here for.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

A few days later it still seems weird

Well.. It finally happened. I turned 20. WTF. Seriously, how did the world let this happen? 

I don't know about anyone else but I took it really hard. I know it sounds rather pathetic, but I just thought a lot would be different by the time I was 20. Looking back, as a young girl I thought I would be a successful, strong, full of will student poised to graduate with amazing marks who knew who she was and what she wanted out of life.  I would be stunningly beautiful with a handsome boyfriend who loved me to boot (of course!)  I couldn't be farther from where I thought I would be... and I think that is the craziest thing of all . I am not a teen anymore so I have no excuses to not be where I want to be. It is weird to think about.. how differently things are from what you thought that they would be.  And while I know the 12 year old girl in me was a little naive, I can't help but feel a little disappointed in myself. I shit away my teen years hating highschool and boys and well, many of the girls I knew too. And now all I wish is that I didn't have to grow up, start wearing wrinkle cream, pay fees on my bank account, and act like an old lady. 

I have never been one to like the whole growing up situation.. but 20 was a whole other level for me. Honestly, 30 and 40 will be ok I think... it is this initial 'I'm not a kid anymore' that feels the worst.

 I don't want to let my childhood go.  I don't know how to be "20" like... 2 decades old. Holy shit. Here's to hoping it will be better then the teens however, and that I learn about myself and have some fun AND STOP FREAKING OUT OVER BEING AN OLD HAG. Yes-- I went there 

message to self today: Stop being such a psycho bitch you 20 year old.. And lighten up!